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My Positive Experience of Cafcass

By: John Rowlinson - Updated: 19 Jan 2021 | comments*Discuss
 
Cafcass Split Ex Shared Residency

Stuart tells us about his split from his wife and subsequent experiences with Cafcass:

I'm writing this on Christmas Eve, sat at my PC with just a daft German Shepherd for company. It's the first Christmas in eight years that I haven't heard the buzz of excited children in the house. Don't feel sorry for me, though – life is good and full of endless opportunity and laughter. I wanted to write this, as it's a story of hope and proof that, sometimes, the system can be fair on dads.

Jeremy Clarkson ended my marriage, not literally mind you. I was reading his column in the Sunday Times and he was saying that he felt the most tragic thing, in his opinion, would be to get to the end of life and be full of regret; regret that you didn't make the decisions you should have, however difficult they may have been.

I looked across the breakfast table at my wife, the career woman driven by status and wealth, and my two beautiful daughters who I adore more than life.

The thought of being treated with indifference and getting old with nothing in common to share and with no laughter was too much. Days later, I ended my marriage after 10 years. At that moment, I unleashed bitterness and anger the likes of which is the stuff of fiction.

Hands-on Dad

The one thing that marrying a woman with a career gave me was the opportunity to be a hands-on dad. My wife went back to work when our first daughter was just three months old and, with the support of an excellent employer, I reduced my hours to three days a week for five years and spent the other two days a week with my daughters. I was privileged to see their first steps, teach them to swim and take them to toddler groups – usually as a token dad among mums, which was an experience in itself! It was precious time that I cherished. When they went to school, I went back to full-time employment but worked from home so that I would see them at each end of the day.

My wife, even though we had discussed many times that her attitude towards work over family would destroy our marriage, claimed to be devastated and asked for time to come to terms with what was happening. I moved into the guest suite as, with practically every penny we had tied up in the house, I wasn't in a position to move out, nor would I, as my children needed me there.

Divorce Application

Three weeks on, I noticed my marriage certificate was missing and then received a letter from my solicitor telling me that my wife was applying for a non-molestation order through the courts which, if successful, would evict me from my own home and limit my access to my children. Oh yes, there was also a petition for divorce based on my supposed unreasonable behaviour. She had obviously had been very busy.

There was no point in contesting the divorce as the court order was thrown out and my wife's Barrister warned about bringing this type of unfounded non-sense to his court. This gave me the first indication that perhaps the courts aren't as pro-mothers as I had previously believed.

There followed a sustained attempt to damage both my reputation and any chance I had of a fair residency agreement for my daughters. I had, after all, spent more time with my daughters when they were pre-school than my wife, and believed that it would be best for them, and what they would want, for an even 50/50 split of time between the two of us.

To give you a feel for how bad it got, I spent 10 hours in a very small police cell following an outrageous allegation, which again, was found to be fabricated and, amazingly, it took the CPS to make a decision that I had no case to answer.

Cafcass Recommendations

There were two things that were pivotal in the result of the residency. A Good Barrister, specialising in only family law, and the involvement of Cafcass, the court's advisory body that make recommendations based primarily on interviews with all family members.

I have heard people speak unfavourably of Cafcass but my experience was excellent. They cut through all the emotion and the "he did this, she did that" accusations, and were completely focused on what was best for my children. As part of the process they interviewed my wife and I together to see if there was common ground for negotiation. She offered every other weekend and one evening a week for tea, which she claimed was "generous".

I stuck to what I believed and said that 50/50 was what the children would want, and that any less than that was not acceptable. Over three months we then went to a full report, which meant interviews separately for both my wife and I and the children, who are just eight and six. The views of the older child were seen as very important as she was old enough to have her views considered by the court. My daughter was adamant that an even split was what she wanted as it would be "fair".

The Cafcass Report duly arrived and recommended an even split of time between parents – one week on, one week off during both holiday and term time. As the court, only in extreme cases, don't follow a Cafcass recommendation, the barristers agreed that we would accept the reports recommendations and submit our agreement to the court, which is what we have done. I cried and cried that evening, but for the first time in eight months they were tears of joy and relief.

Building a New Family Home

We managed to sell our house, at a huge loss, but it has allowed me to move out and set up a new rented home, which the girls and I furnished from scratch in just three weeks. It was really important that I got them involved in setting up the house as it was to be their home too, and I wanted to avoid it feeling like they were visiting when they came to me.

We're three weeks in and the girls are happy with their new home, appearing to be able to move seamlessly between Two Homes. It's hard work working and running a home on your own but you will never hear me complain as I am ecstatically happy to have my girls here.

I guess I was able to present a strong case for shared residency based on the time I had been able to spend with my daughters, but the system came through for me and for that I will always be hugely grateful. Shared residency doesn't have to be 50/50. It can be 90/10 or whatever works for the children, but if you have been there for your children during the marriage, my experience says that the courts, and certainly Cafcass, are looking at it as a very favourable solution.

Staying Positive

I tend to be positive and having the children every other week allows me to do things that I wouldn't have had the opportunity to before. I get to the gym more and I catch up with previously neglected friends and, most importantly, I have met someone that makes me truly happy, who shares my hopes and dreams and laughs with me.

If you are just starting out on this journey, take good advice from the legal profession and stay strong. There will be many tears of sadness, anger and frustration, but there is life after marriage and there can be the chance to continue to play a huge role in your children's lives. I wish you well because it has been a terrible time but for me the journey is over.

In less than 24 hours my home will be filled with the happy shrieks of delight as they open their presents.

Good luck and happiness to you and your families for 2009.

Stuart Marks

Separated Dads made a donation of £15 to the NSPCC on behalf of Stuart to say thanks for sharing his experiences with our readers.

If you have a story that you could share that will help or inspire dads in a similar situation to one that you have experienced then please Contact Us. We can change names etc. to keep you anonymous.

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My ex and I separated 4 months ago following her allegation(2nd time) of physical assault. Following a police investigation, the case closed with no further action as she failed to provide evidence to substantiate her claims. I have, however, provided the Police with evidence (picture, video recording, and voice recordings) that I have been subjected to abuse by this woman. I never pressed charges against her for the sake of my little daughter (9 months at the time). All I did, ask social services for help to relocate the woman from my house as I did not feel safe with her being at home. Social services moved her out of our rented apartment to an undisclosed location. I have made several attempts to agree on an out-of-court settlement for child access but she refused and social services said they can not help. I then filled a court case for the child arrangement order which is still ongoing. The direction hearing took place in December and the next hearing (dispute resolution) is due in 2 months' time. This is now 15 weeks since I have been separated from my daughter and I have not seen her since. I could not afford a solicitor so I presented myself at the hearings so far. My main worry is that it would be at least another few months until the court order is going to be issued, CAFCASS have not been in touch yet (12 weeks since my application submission to the family court), I am really missing my daughter. What would you suggest in this situation? is there any way that I could try to expedite the hearing? I am fighting for my child custody, what is the likelihood of me being granted this? How long does it usually take for this sort of court cases?
FS - 19-Jan-21 @ 8:13 PM
If you look it’s very biased CAFCASS have a page for dads nothing for mums . Very much for the dad needs not the child .
Kev - 22-Oct-20 @ 4:06 PM
i want to seek to some one from this padge who cant see there kids i got dump by my kids on fathersday to day june 2020 add me on fbcolin hunter with a yellow min
coco - 22-Jun-20 @ 1:23 AM
Excuse my grammar it's late. Today I saw a cafcass officer give evidence of her report. There was a break down of comms betweenmyself and my ex wife. It was my fault because I'd realised she engineered arguments with the children in earshot.so, I kept discussion to a minimum using what's app to sort the kids. She left because she fell out of love which is understandable for anyone, I think I'd fallen out of love too, but I was to focused on family to realise my own feeling. Looking back I don't feel I got what I signed up for to put it simply. I realised this approximately five weeks after the breakup when she had a new BF. A few weeks later i was informed about the affair. People who fall out of love have affairs. I wouldn't have, but that's just me. My wife struggled with the kids from day one. Luckily my job was easy and really flexible with time. I managed to sort the house and feed before work and be home by lunch. Pretty good right! So in at 12 and I'd do the last feed at 2300. After our second was a year old my ex felt she wanted to go back to work and started working 2/3 days a week. However, in order for this to happen the children had to be cared for by a family member. I changed my hours to work till midnight 2/3 day per week so she could achieve this. I did this till they went to school. Now, I know you gonna say I'm angry about this and I do feel used, but these early years have me such a great relationship with both of my girls. Theres always a silver lining. As the girls grew she got serious about her running which I supported. However, this required her to be up very early,evening club runs and big runs on the weekends for marathon training. When you combine this with my uber flexible job and her taking on more hours at work, you start to build a picture of who was looking after the children. Eventually the marriage broke down. In the six months of co habiting she was generally out the house 4 nights a week with matey boy. I would say that generally cover the kids 65% of the time. Even when we were together I would bathe them and entertain them adding to that figure. I never dropped the ball. Then defacto primary carer in co habitation. The she realised.............. Just before we broke up we had an all included holiday to Spain. In the mess I had to apply to take the girls away which was granted. On the first day my eldest fell and hit her head. I got her checked out and we discussed the injury on the phone. A bit of a black eye appeared 2 days later from the injury. The girls talked to there mum on the phone but I didn't as standard.it got worse and then got better and was all but gone when we returned. I should have messaged her, but I was just trying to switch off to the divorce and it very hard being a single parent on holiday away. Always on alert for the pool. Anyway, I came back to my cafcass. The entire meeting was black eye focused and about the lack of comms which made our break a "high
DADDIO - 29-Nov-19 @ 5:37 AM
Family court Judges and Cafcass must fail fathers on a daily basis. After attending in excess of 12 hearings over 7 years to maintain a poor minimum “contact” with two children, I have to walk away from what is a system that is there only to protect mums and their relationship with kids.Dads come at the bottom of the ladder and despite given regular dates to collect from school when imum wants to she will remove them from school sick On a regular basis to prevent a school collection to cause trouble and stretch the alienation.She may scream victim on a regular basis and is nothing short of a predator who provokes at every turn but your hands will be tied. Despite 8 plus occasions in just a few months and a very poor school attendance record for my son all provable, the legal advisor / Judge just shot me down and ignored all that I had to say. Holiday dates are dictated on a take or leave basis and phone calls to any land line are suddenly not acceptable.No matter what evidence you have, paperwork, video footage, phone calls that would go to prove parent alienation, You won’t get to show them to anyone and even if you do it will all get washed away and you be made to look a fool or criticised for speaking out and branded controlling. The whole system is broken and no wonder that so many men in their thirties / forties are so vulnerable to suicide because if you felt low when you start this process because of marriage breakdown and divorce then trust me you will be seriously unhappy with how you will be treated in this system as you will not be treated with any fairness or any respect as frankly out of many hearings I encountered to keep seeing kids, only once did I come across an amiable judge who genuinely wanted to make things better. Everyone else will ignore your ideas, views, opinions and the kids will end up being pawns in a game of nastiness that you will have no control over and it will end badly even if you don’t have a nervous breakdown in the process of trying to fight your corner which is futile if you have a penis. My advice, if you can’t get on or argue over money with your ex then just move on as this system will attempt to destroy you and your relationship with your children anyway. Any system that allows children to move even more than a 15 minute drive away when they have grown up with you for half their child life is wrong let alone a two hour or more drive to try and maintain any kind of relationship with them is a failed system as distance is very difficult to overcome on a long term basis and that is before the alienation issues come into play. I should have moved on years ago and saved myself a lot of pain and upset in the process. Cafcass and family court judges have a difficult job to do but ignoring fathers and making them feel isolated against their children should be a crime in itself. Life after divorce is difficult enough for everyone but why resident parents (mainly mums but also rarely some dads) th
BigTimGym - 1-Jul-19 @ 11:47 PM
Hi, I have had a terrible experience with CAFCASS it just went from bad to worse, even after the allegations were proven to be lies (ignoring how CAFCASS behaved during the court trial to give them the benefit of the doubt due to horrible stories you hear when they don’t act), they were appointed as “mediators” to ensure my son was given “an equal opportunity to benefit from cultures from both paternal and maternal families” and also to prevent another court battle , when I heard the judge say this I was so happy all I wanted was an equal time with my son, little did I know this was just BS, CAFCASS didn’t care about facts did not return calls and emails until the absolute last minute (when they did reply it was just wishy washy) meaning i was missing birthdays/ special events/ plans i was making which had to be cancelled all at my own cost and if/when i did get a reply it was whatever the mother wanted no justification needed it was as if they were concerned with the mental state of mind of the mother and not my sons best interest. The annoying thing is they were put between us to ensure communication does not break down my ex realised how useless they were and used it by only agreeing to anything if CAFCASS would communicate it and of-coarse CAFCASS would not respond and when they did they would tell me to agree with her but by then the event would have passed or on the day or day before the event is to take place, which meant it was too late. I thought if they don’t want long emails, I send numbers to illustrate my point it just got ridiculous literally months would pass no reply to several emails or calls. Now I have decided to go back to court if the courts ask why CAFCASS was not consulted first I guess I can just show them the countless emails and communications efforts I have made with next to no response, in conclusion I have missed every special event since I came out of court literally 0 for 4 whether it was my weekend or not at least during court I was getting to see him for 3 hours even if it was at a contact centre (cost of £60 and hour). Thank you for reading to my rant ??.
S - 22-May-19 @ 3:56 PM
Great story and I so glad things worked out for you and your children and that you had a decent Cafcass officer. However, the majority of people i speak to have the opposite experience. Cafcass officer are biased.In my case i am not for mothers or fathers but for good parents. Every child needs good parents. So for me i am not concerned about fighting I am concerned that the legal system builds a wall against fathers and mothers so we do fight and keep us seperated.Shouldn't need fathers for justice or mothers (what ever they have).We should have a united site that is about good parents. Parents like you who would do anything for your girls and have sorted out your life to have them.. I met a guy who is self employed - mentally abuses his child-on every visit (curtosy of Cafcass) lied at the hearing, pays £1 a day and stalks his ex should he recieve contact the same as all us fathers who do the right thing ? Just putting it out there as he gives fathers a bad name but yet Cafcass support fathers like him.Equally they support mothers who again are mallicious. So for me those beautiful children we helped create need good parents - "Every child needs a good parent(s)"
Firmbutfair - 4-May-19 @ 3:14 PM
If poss, please relay this message to Stuart: You are AMAZING. Loved reading this. My experience mirrors yours almost to the letter. Except I’m the mum. And CAFCASS’s first report was devastatingly biased against me due to false allegations. So anyone reading this, the system can go against mums. You need to be cautious but strong. Contrary to everything I read on the internet, the judge threw out the report. Despite concerted efforts from my ex’s lawyer. It was a shocking moment. So it CAN happen. Thanks Stuart! X
Figirl - 8-Feb-19 @ 12:13 AM
Hi I need some URGENT advice. My wife asked me to leave our marital home on our 2nd wedding anniversary. In fairness, we hadn't been getting along for some time and despite being together for 4 years we probably shouldnt' have gone on to marry. She owned her own house outright with no mortgage whilst I owned my own place but with a mortgage. We bought the house together 'tenants in common' as she put in 71% of the value leaving me owning 29%. but I then ploughed another £23k into the house for renovations which she wanted. I have no kids although I became step dad to her now 14 year old son who Ive known since aged 7 but who's father gives her a considerable amount of child maintainence for. The problem is, as requested, I left the house and am now renting a room in a shared house whilst my wife and step son remain in the marital home. As she only works part time and it is a much larger house than the one she previously owned she's asking me to contribute to the monthly household bills (we have no mortgage). I haven't given her any money since i left 5 months ago. I retired from local government earlier this year and got a sizeable lump sum in addition to my monthly pension and am now again working full time elsewhere. Obviously, whilst we are still married should anything happen to me she gets the lot. Things are amicable and neither of us are talking about divorce but am I expected to give her money whilst I am not living in the home and if i dont and things turn nasty, how much of my pension which I paid into for 30 years whilst Ive only been married for 2 am i likely to lose to her?
Johnnyboy - 25-Oct-18 @ 11:36 PM
My Daughter is 11 years old and wants to stay with me and my partner and refuses to go back to her mums as her step dad is mean and makes her feel pushed out as they have another child together. please help??
dan84 - 11-Feb-18 @ 5:39 PM
free2508 - Your Question:
HiSo me and my wife have separated. we have a 2 year old daughter. We still live together and the plan is I will be getting a set sum of her then moving out. Quick back story on the house and finances. I owned a flat at one point in only my name and the house is solely in her name. I sold the flat and spent the 80k on out debts and upgrading the house totally. since we have split we agreed a figure and the only issue is I wanted a time scale of the money I will get and when as I can not afford to move out with some outstanding debt on a house loan I took. this is there the problems start. she will not give a timescale.so I can not really commit to moving out.she has drawn up a consent order that literally says I will give him X amount but not when, also she has said she will tie the equity from the house in to the house if we go to court and I will not get it until my daughter turns 18. I did sign some form when we first got together about not having anything to do with the house. so my questions I hope you can help with.1. does me signing anything like that affect that it is still our marital home,we are still married and am I legally entitled to cash? 2. can she "tie cash up in the house " until my daughter turns 18? can I legally go to court with her for any cash as I have invested everything in to the house even thou she is solely on the mortgage. ( I still pay it all and have done for 2 years )
Our Response:
You would really need to seek legal advice regarding this as it is beyond our remit to advise. Much depends upon the length you have been married. Much also depends on whether your ex has the finances to remortgage if she gives you equity from the house. It is difficult to advise here, as you don't say where this lump sum payment is coming from i.e whether it is from savings or the house. If you can prove you have spent money on refurbishment and paying off your debts (especially your wife's debts), then you may have a case to answer. However, you marriage length is important, as the longer you were married, the greater claim you may have. Therefore, it is worth paying for some legal advice to find this out and further explore your options.
SeparatedDads - 7-Sep-17 @ 2:01 PM
hi So me and my wife have separated. we have a 2 year old daughter. We still live together and the plan is I will be getting a set sum of her then moving out. Quick back story on the house and finances. I owned a flat at one point in only my name and the house is solely in her name. I sold the flat and spent the 80k on out debts and upgrading the house totally. since we have split we agreed a figure and the only issue is I wanted a time scale of the money I will get and when as I can not afford to move out with some outstanding debt on a house loan I took. this is there the problems start. she will not give a timescale....so I can not really commit to moving out.she has drawn up a consent order that literally says I will give him X amount but not when, also she has said she will tie the equity from the house in to the house if we go to court and I will not get it until my daughter turns 18. I did sign some form when we first got together about not having anything to do with the house. so my questions I hope you can help with.... 1. does me signing anything like that affect that it is still our marital home,we are still married and am I legally entitled to cash? 2. can she "tie cash up in the house " until my daughter turns 18? can I legally go to court with her for any cash as I have invested everything in to the house even thou she is solely on the mortgage. ( I still pay it all and have done for 2 years )
free2508 - 5-Sep-17 @ 7:55 PM
hi So me and my wife have separated. we have a 2 year old daughter. We still live together and the plan is I will be getting a set sum of her then moving out. Quick back story on the house and finances. I owned a flat at one point in only my name and the house is solely in her name. I sold the flat and spent the 80k on out debts and upgrading the house totally. since we have split we agreed a figure and the only issue is I wanted a time scale of the money I will get and when as I can not afford to move out with some outstanding debt on a house loan I took. this is there the problems start. she will not give a timescale....so I can not really commit to moving out.she has drawn up a consent order that literally says I will give him X amount but not when, also she has said she will tie the equity from the house in to the house if we go to court and I will not get it until my daughter turns 18. I did sign some form when we first got together about not having anything to do with the house. so my questions I hope you can help with.... 1. does me signing anything like that affect that it is still our marital home,we are still married and am I legally entitled to cash? 2. can she "tie cash up in the house " until my daughter turns 18? can I legally go to court with her for any cash as I have invested everything in to the house even thou she is solely on the mortgage. ( I still pay it all and have done for 2 years )
free2508 - 5-Sep-17 @ 7:49 PM
Pls I need some kind of advice.. I meet my ex in 2014 and we enjoy a good relationship fortunately she was pregnant,we are together happily until I was arrested for posssion of fake document, I was sentenced to 4 months in prison, she was there for me, supported me all the day... not HTML when she was given a council flat,she ask me that I can't join them because she has to get the house done and she don't want me to be involve, I respected her opinion and stay aside but I still go to see her, play with my son and some time I even pass the night at her place.. not until one faithful day she time me she was expecting a visitor(male friend) and for the reason I can't see my son on the day am suppose to see him, I agree and ask her to let me knw when next I could see my son,on the day the guy was coming she didn't come back home until 12:30am with a 9monghs old son, I was outside and i ask her why is she bringing him home so let, she said she been out and jst getting back home now, and 2 days later am suppose to see him but she block me from her phone and I could reach her.. inwas block for abt a month then she unblock me and I see my son about twice then she said she was advice by the police that I shouldn't be allow to see my son, that she reported me for harassment ( the harrasenent was that I have been texting her frequently asking for my son)I let her knw I need a letter form police or an interview so they can let me knw resin why I can't see my son, but that never happens... on my son birthday I wasn't invited and I never seen my son after that and it's abt 3 months now.. I went to mediation and they wrote to her and called her but she never came for mediation and now I have made application to court.... am so nervous if I will b allow to see my son because of my prison sentence... pls can someone kindly advice me pls on what to possible expect from the court pls
Wacho - 13-Oct-16 @ 9:38 PM
Hi all im going through the same thing my recent EX was seeing some one else behind my back for about 3-4 months she is carrying our 2nd (unsure if the baby is mine or this other mans) didnt give me a reason why she left or wanted to go. we was getting married on the 3rd September 2016 but thats a no go now but anyway i tryed to sort things out with her but she wasnt havnt none of it so i got my solicitor and went to court as she has a habbit of up and going with out a word ect and now i got contact with my son every Wednesday and Saturday for 2 hours till the court hearing, she left our home witch is in my name and she is in a refuge with my son till the next court hearing i have everything for him and she has hardly anything for him cloths i got him iv been told she put them in the bin yes BRAND NEW cloths why but whats the best advice you lovely people could give me as shes saying shes got lots of rubbish on me witch isnt true ect some one help???
robzmc - 30-Jul-16 @ 8:30 PM
AMES - Your Question:
Two things I would like to discuss and see if anyone has similar experiences with the court system? my partner has a 3 year old daughter who lives in the UK and we are based abroad, after many failed negotiations with the ex partner he felt court was the only solution to have something in an order that meant he did not have to beg or panic overtime he was due to spend time with his daughter. The court was beneficial in deciding this and gave him the additional visits that he requested however two things that he requested were not agreed by the court. Firstly he was asking to alternative the Christmas day holiday and his ex partner was adamant this would not happen as she has another child and she thinks their daughter should be with her sibling. The judge and Cafcass officer explained to her that this was incorrect and that their daughter is from two families so alternate christmas is the fairest way but would not put it on th court order and told them to go and decide it themselves through mediation (which is crazy as they could never agree on anything hence going to court in the first place) Secondly it was asked if their daughter could spend a week at our home abroad (we have taken her abroad already no problems) but they disagreed saying a flight longer than 5 hours is not fair on a child but we can take her anywhere in europe until she is 5? how does this make sense?Any help on the Christmas front will be much appreciated because he have broached the subject with his ex partner and her partner and they are refusing to compromise. thanks
Our Response:
The only option for the issue over Christmas would to be for your partner to suggest Mediation. If his ex refuses or will not come to an agreement then your partner would have to take it back to court. This way, he has at least done what the court has suggested and therefore if his ex still cannot agree, it would be left to the court to decide.
SeparatedDads - 28-Jan-16 @ 11:49 AM
Two things I would like to discuss and see if anyone has similar experiences with the court system? my partner has a 3 year old daughter who lives in the UK and we are based abroad, after many failed negotiations with the ex partner he felt court was the only solution to have something in an order that meant he did not have to beg or panic overtime he was due to spend time with his daughter.The court was beneficial in deciding this and gave him the additional visits that he requested however two things that he requested were not agreed by the court. Firstly he was asking to alternative the Christmas day holiday and his ex partner was adamant this would not happen as she has another child and she thinks their daughter should be with her sibling.The judge and Cafcass officer explained to her that this was incorrect and that their daughter is from two families so alternate christmas is the fairest way but would not put it on th court order and told them to go and decide it themselves through mediation (which is crazy as they could never agree on anything hence going to court in the first place) Secondly it was asked if their daughter could spend a week at our home abroad (we have taken her abroad already no problems) but they disagreed saying a flight longer than 5 hours is not fair on a child but we can take her anywhere in europe until she is 5?how does this make sense? Any help on the Christmas front will be much appreciated because he have broached the subject with his ex partner and her partner and they are refusing to compromise. thanks
AMES - 27-Jan-16 @ 4:46 PM
Hi. After reading about Stuart's positive result. I also cried for his happiness and hope that I get even a portion of the contact with my sons if any. I have had a history of mental health issues mainly because of my x wife playing games with me, using me and tearing me apart from the inside with her ultimatums. I was on a leash for the best part of 5 years until she committed adultery and threw me out onto the doorstep of our rented family home. Yet, we had 2 sons together and I thought we were happy with our life. Next thing I know. I am out and the new man was in within 2 weeks which I had to bare to see my sons. I did but after a good 8 month, contact was stopped then I received a divorce petition alleging against me. She lost her attack as I kept evidence of the contact with the boys. The judge asked me what I wanted to do. I asked for an even split. No assets. All good. No problems. Hadn't seen the boys for a while so once I got that decree absolute I started to tackle the child arrangements order. This has torn me apart worse than the divorce. I had started a war which I am now scared I will lose. It's cost me far too much money that I haven't got and it will all be for nothing. Currently Cafcass are now going to do more investigations and interviews to find a conclusion. I have just been through a fof hearing which was ruled by women. I was slaughtered even though my x lied about most of the allegations and brought her sister in to lie for her. I'm not happy about this. I already knew the verdict in that room as I walked in. The question is. Based on my situation. What is Cafcass likely to investigate if I have a new family with my 3rd son who is 2 and very happy with his dad. Any information would be a great help. Thank you and kind regards. Kyle Bell.
Kyle - 14-Nov-15 @ 11:00 AM
Gran1 - Your Question:
I am looking for some advice, My daughter is going through a really a really bad time at the moment. She has been separated from her husband for 14 months, when they first split up he was allowed to have a front door key and visited every night to see the children, this was because my daughter felt this was the right thing to do. In September 2014 whilst she was out of the house he arrived and my Grandson his stepson answered the door and gave him access, when he tried to remove items from the home my grandson said he should wait for his Mother, the stepfather was enraged by this and proceeded to attack my grandson. This went to court and he pled self defence and was found not guilty by reasonable doubt, my grandson was awarded a 6 mth protection order. After this happened the two younger boys told my daughter that he had also threatened them in the past and that they were afraid of him, they were 10 yrs old at the time and one of them was really afraid. They stated that they didn't wish to see there father because they are afraid of him. The judge has ruled that there Mother has brain washed these boys, because this is the accusation from the Father, we as family feel that this judge is biased and even before the hearing the solicitor apologized for having this judge, my daughter has been controlled and bullied throughout the relationship and has had no support from anywhere. It appears that she is bearing the brunt for these unreasonable Mothers that we all know are out there. My concern is that these young boys are going to be forced to spend time with a man they are afraid of. What recourse do we have?
Our Response:
If your daughter refuses access, then she will be in breach of the court order, therefore her ex could take the order back to court in order to have the order enforced. However, the children should be old enough to have their opinion taken into consideration if they are over 11 years of age. If the children refuse to go with their father, then their opinions will be counted if the matter is taken back to court. I hope this helps.
SeparatedDads - 16-Sep-15 @ 2:58 PM
I wrote previously and typed the incorrect email address. Sorry
gran1 - 15-Sep-15 @ 7:49 PM
I am looking for some advice, My daughter is going through a really a really bad time at the moment. She has been separated from her husband for 14 months, when they first split up he was allowed to have a front door key and visited every night to see the children, this was because my daughter felt this was the right thing to do. In September 2014 whilst she was out of the house he arrived and my Grandson his stepson answered the door and gave him access, when he tried to remove items from the home my grandson said he should wait for his Mother, the stepfather was enraged by this and proceeded to attack my grandson. This went to court and he pled self defence and was found not guilty by reasonable doubt, my grandson was awarded a 6 mth protection order. After this happened the two younger boys told my daughter that he had also threatened them in the past and that they were afraid of him, they were 10 yrs old at the time and one of them was really afraid. They stated that they didn't wish to see there father because they are afraid of him. The judge has ruled that there Mother has brain washed these boys, because this is the accusation from the Father, we as family feel that this judge is biased and even before the hearing the solicitor apologized for having this judge, my daughter has been controlled and bullied throughout the relationship and has had no support from anywhere. It appears that she is bearing the brunt for these unreasonable Mothers that we all know are out there. My concern is that these young boys are going to be forced to spend time with a man they are afraid of. What recourse do we have?
Gran1 - 15-Sep-15 @ 7:27 PM
@Dean - it is very difficult while you are in a different country, as there is nothing you can really do this end in order to get your ex to agree. All you can do is write to her really and request that you be allowed regular Skype with your son until you return. I'm not sure there is anything else hands-on that you can do in order to make things better.
Sam - 20-Mar-15 @ 12:29 PM
@Charlie - you may find our Separated Dads Facebook page useful also as there are a lot of dads on their with same or similar issues that can and do give help, especially if they have been through this before.
SeparatedDads - 20-Mar-15 @ 12:08 PM
Good day I was married foe 18 years, sadly we finally split 18 months ago. Our beautiful son is now 7 and lives with his mum. I have 30 years experience of health care including children and loved being a hands on father. I lost my job at the same time my wife left me, I was left homeless and was rescued by my brother in the UK. I am now rebuilding my professional life to return to Australia. I have visited for a month and try to Skype. My wife has sometimes stopped these contacts as well as not telling me of health and psychological issues caused by our split. The poor fella is hurting and I wish to help. This is causing my son harm and is damaging our relationship. I am informed sometime after the fact that my som was so distressed he was sent home from school saying my daddy does not love him. Can I persuade her that mediation to help all our situation may be the way to go. How can I persuade her that anything health wise , with school, referral to psychologists we as parents need to openly discuss and agree. I am not being obstructive but only want to be included so I can meet my parental responsibilities.I am far away in the UK desperately wanting to return when able, I feel terrible. Thankx
Dean - 18-Mar-15 @ 3:54 PM
Wow....there are so many parallels in your life to my own. I wasn't able to work part time but I picked up a the evening responsibilities where my soon to be ex wife picked up the morning. I am really struggling with her at the moment allowing me the time with the girls I'd like but more importantly they'd like. They cannot understand why she believes restricting their access to me is beneficial to them. I have included them in everything since I left in setting up my new home, they even help me move. I am now about to apply to the courts because all other avenues have failed to persuade her that her view isn't the only view and your story has really given me hope. I've always strived for an independent view and believe that CAFCASS will give me that. No matter what happens she won't be able to dictate in the same controlling way she managed our marriage. Thank you
Charlie - 18-Mar-15 @ 1:34 PM
Hi my son is between a rock and a hard place and getting know where with fair access to his two year old daughter. He seems to going around in circles and altough he has a solicitor all seems to be on the mothers side and no one is listening to my son. all my son would like is more access to his daughter and rights to know where she is and what she is up to ! What is going on on this country that an African woman can come here and get every service on her side and ruin my sons life and know one listens to him .....what does he have to do ??? Who are Casaff ? How can we get them to help us ? Please help my son. Thank you
Mama - 2-Dec-14 @ 7:35 PM
Its been a while since this post, but I am so pleased to hear of this outcome. Based on the info provided it sounds like a wonderful result for the children. I am stunned by Lula's response. I am female and I cannot understand why women feel they should automatically get preference. Every case is different and each parent should have the right to make their case from the same baseline. The children come first and I personally advocate for 50/50 shared care where it is right for the child.I am a step parent to our daughter on a 50/50 arrangement for the past 5 years and she flourishes. It is unusual-but it does exist (usually where there is a fantastic dad in the mix) and I'm keen to hear from more families for whom it works.
timeforchange - 1-Oct-14 @ 11:51 AM
I split up with my partner of 8 years last oct 2013 we have a 4 year old son,we never cohabited as we both lived separately but it worked at least I thought so,she has a 17 year old son from a previous relationship and I have 2 daughters from my late wife who passed away when they were babies,since the split all communication broke down she would never reply to my calls txts etc,since I ended the relationship she has turned completely cold and has denied me all access to our son then one morning I was hand delivered a non-molestation order along with a prohibited steps order to my total shock,with all kinds of allegations from domestic and physical violence,heaver drinking etc,to cut a long story short I got a solicitor and cafcass are now involved and iam now having to undergo a section 7 report with a court hearing on the 20 feb 2014 followed by another hearing for the prohibited steps order,i have not seen my son for 3 months she has not allowed me any access on his 5th birthday xmas period and iam totally broken up by how all this came about and how the system can not allow me to see my son until court case I miss him with all my heart as do my daughters,ive also find out recently she is dating someone else and has been since this trauma for me started,and also spent my sons birthday and the xmas period with him and my son and iam not allowed any contact,i cannot even communicate to her as I would breach the order and be arrested.this is a living hell.any advice would be sincerely appretiated.regards
steve - 8-Feb-14 @ 12:30 PM
I need some help, when I was younger I got with a nice woman in northern ireland, when she finished with me, she was pregnant with our child, am now trying to track her, have got quite far in my search, I know she left house we were sharing together in 2005 and moved to another house in the area, have sent a letter to new address and now just hoping she gets in contact as I really want to get back in contact with my child I have never got the chance to meet and hopefully introduce her to her new sister as have had another child who I now share custody with
STEVEUK7979 - 29-Jan-13 @ 7:49 PM
Stuart Marks, How long did your case take? (From your initial court application - to the final hearing)
Iamnothingwithoutthe - 15-Jan-13 @ 8:45 PM
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